Four Mile Globster Autopsy Reveals Ancient Monster

Scientists previously dedicated to the search for the Loch Ness Monster and to the study of air molecules around Area 51 have turned their attention to a new mystery: The Four Mile Globster. This decomposing and unrecognizable beast was found on the shore of Tasmania's Four Mile Beach in 1997.

The Globster was 15 feet long and more than half as wide, covered with long, white hairs. Along its sides were large, fleshy protuberances that served no obvious biological purpose.

Now, however, the aforementioned scientists have conducted a thorough and revelatory autopsy that might shed some light on the Globster's origins. According to a detailed report released by said researchers, evidence indicates that the Globster is actually an ancient predator responsible for the deaths of thousands - deaths previously attributed to other phenomena, such as the Bermuda Triangle.

This ancient monster has roamed the depths of the Pacific, Atlantic, and Indian Oceans for millennia, and it is possible, based on the autopsy findings, that the Globster's origin is extraterrestrial in nature. It is unclear whether the Globster was an intelligent being or merely a mindless, instinct-driven predator, similar to a giant jellyfish but defensive and offensive mechanisms far more formidable than venomous tentacles.

Although the Four Mile Globster was partially decomposed upon discovery, the autopsy revealed a startlingly complex respiratory system that allowed it, in life, to remain under water for weeks or even months at a time, surfacing only intermittently for a sustaining breath of air. Its mouth, hidden behind the gelatinous globes along its sides, was capable of unhinging like a snake's jaws and consuming prey at least as large as a man. Furthermore, its folds of armor-like skin concealed six sets of razor-sharp claws that the Globster could retract and extend at will.

One scientist among the four who embarked upon this exploratory journey believes that the Globster's discovery is a harbinger of the end of the world. Dr. Alexander Icky, a biologist from Utah, says, "The entire population of the Mayan Tikal village disappeared in A.D. 900 . Maybe the Globster was responsible for those disappearances. And maybe some of the Mayans saw this ancient monster and believed that it - and perhaps some of its brethren - would cause the destruction of the entire world."

Icky also notes that the death of the Globster speaks volumes about the state of our planet. "We're talking about the ultimate predator here," the scientist says. "Its death had nothing to do with meeting a larger or more savage beast." He posits that the climate and ecological changes beneath the ocean's surface is indicative of far more widespread change to come. Change that could, theoretically, bring about the prophesized 2012 doomsday.